As a woman it can be a trivial situation when finding the “perfect” man. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 19 and since then I have learned about myself, men and relationships. I’m 24-years-old and although I’ve only been in the dating game five short years I have been able to take away valuable life lessons. Most of us never find the perfect man on the first try. When I first began dating, I thought I would know the “right” man for me, we’d start dating then would live happily ever after (crazy right?). I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, how relationships should work and that the man I dated would be the perfect boyfriend. These experiences not only opened my eyes but also showed me how much I still had to learn. Through trial and error I have come to find that the “perfect” man doesn’t really exist. If anything, I’ve learned that when an individual is in a good space personally and sticks to their core standards you are better prepared to meet someone that could end up being perfect for you.
1.) Be Self-Sufficient and Self-Satisfied Prior to Dating
There is nothing more exhausting than getting romantically involved with someone while you’re still trying to get your life/career/living situation together. Not saying you need to have your dream job, house, career and all the items on your bucket list checked off before getting in a relationship, but if you’re unsatisfied with your personal endeavors, it may not be the best time to begin sharing your life with someone else. Many people assume that a relationship will fix all of your personal problems. That could be the case short term, but after a while when reality sets in and the honeymoon stage has come to an end, your familiar issues/problems will resurface. If anything, I suggest taking the personal time you need to make sure you’re on the path to where you would like to be before inviting someone else along on that journey. Getting into a relationship while you’re unhappy/dissatisfied with your own personal or professional matters can bring bad energy into the relationship and cause you to take your frustrations out on the person you’re with. You may start to look to them to give you self satisfaction and that should never be the case. Sure, the person you’re with should make you feel wonderful and loved but they won’t fill deep, personal voids. A relationship won’t fix your unsettled or dissatisfied heart or outlook. Taking that time to find what you need to feel fulfilled and whole on your own is worth it. We can all have an IDEA of what we would like in a potential relationship but if you’re not right on your own, being right for the person you’re with will be ten times harder.
2.) Use Your Voice
Growing up I have always known what kind of man I wanted to potentially marry and wasn’t shy of letting the man I was dating know. I’ve never been the kind of woman for recreational dating. I’ve always dated a man that I could see as a potential life partner. I’m sure there are many women out there who have the same ideals but unfortunately, we don’t always get the man of our dreams right away. Now let’s be real. We’ve all dated that one guy that we’ve let up on our core standards and compromised emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually for and most of us would agree that it wasn’t worth it.
Throughout my dating years my mother would always remind me to “Use my voice” in relationships. When I would talk to her about my relationships or what was going on she would always finish the conversation with, “Remember to use your voice” before I left. I always heard her and this was something I knew to do regardless. It wasn’t until I got in a relationship where when I vocalized my opinion, dislike or frustration with something that it was viewed as nagging in his eyes and I was made to feel guilty. Let me tell you, the minute a man turns something around to make you feel guilty about having standards or addressing an issue you have already set for yourself in a relationship that he is clearly not meeting- get out. This will only spiral and make you compromise even more…which result in your voice being drowned out of the relationship. Not only does this affect your relationship but it can create a false belief that what you have to say isn’t important, which is not the case. Now ladies, there is DEFINITELY a difference between expressing how you feel and nagging. I believe women are taught way too often to just hush up and let the man make all of the decisions in the relationship. WRONG. In reality, no man wants a woman that just nags and complains all day but when you feel something is taking place in a relationship that you aren’t comfortable with, let it be known. If it’s something small like your man leaving his socks on the bathroom floor or forgetting to put the toilet seat down- I suggest a friendly reminder. Little things like this aren’t worth continuous nagging. But you should not feel guilty about keeping your standards in a relationship. If anything, the man you’re with should strive and want to meet those standards you have set. If he doesn’t and wants to convince you to let up on those or compromise- he’s not the right man for you and that relationship should be reevaluated.
I believe when the individual is self satisfied and fulfilled, they allow themselves the opportunity to meet someone that is perfect for them. It’s impossible to continue in a life, career or situation that you aren’t personally okay with and then get into a relationship. It’s best to have as clear of a picture as you can of what you want and what you don’t want before dating. Having a concise idea of necessities and nonnegotiable standards before you date can save you a ton of time and energy and also allow you to spend quality time loving who you are, which will prepare you for loving the one that you’re meant for.
Hope these tips can help you on your single or coupled journey!
Until Next Time,